Keeping Up Appearances

Sometimes I just want permission to fall apart. So many times I’ve been in ┬ápublic place or just in the presence of others and I experience some sort of symptom and I just want to be able to give into that feeling and then let it pass instead of tucking it tightly into my abdomen and having it flush across my cheeks. I come across as high functioning, I’m able to leave the house, I look presentable, I am able to go to school and I get good grades. Even though I’m fairly open about my mental health and some people in my social circles are aware of it, they don’t believe that it manifests into unpleasant symptoms and affects my every day existence. But even though I look functioning I often don’t feel like it.

It takes a tremendous amount of effort every single day to appear the way I do. To force myself to interact with other people, to speak, to breathe normally, to keep up these appearances. Once in a while I just want to be able to give in and be angry or shake or cry or seclude myself or not speak and not have to answer any questions about it. I don’t want to have to fold everything and tuck it into my pocket, only able to unwrap it in moments alone where it has twisted and grown and gained enough weight to sit on my chest and suffocate me. I want it to be okay that I am sick and that that has real life physical and mental symptoms. And if people want to dismiss me as the crazy girl that’s fine because in this stigmatized world I am and it is getting harder and harder to pretend to be anyone else.

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